Sudharma - Dharmo Rakshathi Rakshathi - Duty the Truth

Dedicating this post to my grandma. I am sure you all have your own stories about your grandparents on such grounds. If not, you have missed grandparents’ love in your lives. And those who know my grandma reading this you may have your own story with that soul.

 

A tough and resilient woman crossed her 9 decades and still lived for others till her last of the Pancha pranas leaving the physical realm. Just the way Arjuna had questions to Krishna in the Geetha and Parvathi to Shiva in Shivasuthra (pl note I have not read these but have heard they are full of questions to the ultimate truth), I have always had questions for her. 

 

She used to hate seeing me during her last draining days, hate not in in its strict sense, but ‘OH God its Ramya she will have a ton of questions..' kind of way. Coz when one does not have physical stamina its hard to talk or even smile. Well, for starters for all the “why” questions; most times the answer would be DUTY. I have never understood and I would relentlessly argue with her, why is something a Duty. I guess its after she has moved on that I am learning the true meaning of what she conveyed to me on what duty means.

 

A lot of words are not like math, they are highly subjective, eg what may be expensive to me may be cheap for you and vise versa. So was the word duty.

 

My most favourite place of travel was always to both my grandparents’ places. Holidays meant grandparents and all the packaged deals that come along with it. So, talking about my maternal grandma Thulasi, as the name says yes purity and cleansing and always given the needed oxygen is what the plant does. And so did she do that in my life too. Proud to be her first grandchild.

 

In the early days, childhood memories and Navrathiri holidays where the closest to heart for me. The entire home will be filled with festivity, you may be any gender everyone had to participate in every puja or ritual; man, woman or child everyone was treated the same devoid of gender. Being a young adult stepping out of teenage I would literally feel jealous of my mamis. My mamas used to equate everything equally with their better half. This quality was imbibed by them by watching my grandparents – my grandparents led their kids by example. If my grandma cooked, my grandpa would cut vegetables, if my grandma would attend to new borns my grandpa would turn on that hot water boiler (manual gyeser non electric geyser of that generation) and my aunts would do the tailoring or washing of the new borns ... SO leading by example.

 

She had her own belief systems from religious angles, based on what was taught to her. However, if others had a way of living it was accepted with grace. Is acceptance also part of duty? I dont know but according to her every one has a stomach, everyone needs to be fed, everyone has same emotions feelings. It does not matter who you are which caste you come from, her religious aspects were subject to her she would make little for herself. Never said no unto another till her last breath.

 

Nothing is mine, everything is blessed by the divine, and so she named her home - Sudharma. Sudharma means doing dharma, Dharma means doing one’s duty as HUMANs and being human. Giving away, it would be anything. Even if she never had it with her, someone will give it thru her. She would be stationed, but will be aware of the world news, spoke about video conferencing way back in 1999 pre Y2K problem, times when internet was an analog connection to digital via landlines. 

 

She could speak of cooking to law, fine arts to engineering and so on. Sitting in her home outskirts of a metro, she helped me get a book that was still almost in printing and circulation from a library to projects to almost some kind of a job interview. All from one place. Connectivity and her was all in one. Such help will not happen if she has not helped.

 

There could be a lot of things she could have been rigid, which would look hard on the outside, according to me all of us born as human beings are not born perfect. We are born to learn the truth and change the inner self towards the light or being perfect. So, as a human she would have hand her own challenges. Still, coming back to the questions I have asked her. From birth to death and life beyond death. Some topics where without an iota of shame or guilt we would talk about death. 

 

I was probably 15 years old, I showed this piggy bank which looks like a miniature locker. In all fronts it was a locker functionality and it still works fine, I remember telling her in the pooja room - 'After you die patti (grandma) I want this. After decades, I again mentioned that I wanted it after her times, More like telling her what I want from her on her materialistic wealth was this piggy bank. Instantly without hesitation she took it off the pooja alter and gave it to me. I hold it still now and here is its image. 

 

And it is this same grandma who will not even shift a thing which does not belong to her, if someone has kept something and even if its in almost tatters its for them to decide to keep it or discard it. There were a pair of almost torn shoes, I said is it not good for home and its energy to keep broken or worn-out things patti? Should we not discard these shoes, she literally shood me off saying - thats not for you to decide, its not yours. 

 

That's a polarity still a lesson to be learnt on boundaries. One does not need motivation talks or advices, when we see what one does around us and go a bit more into its depth, we all have a life lesson to learn and grow, some which we feel irritated are things we need to see in ourselves and eliminate that and some which we get amazed from the other to be adapted for our own personal and spiritual growth.

 

As days progressed, she had never kept anything materialistic on her. She always ensured what we knew or had, to be shared with others. May be that's why her kids are in some way teachers/preachers. Sharing unto others what we know is very important. A lot of people are still thinking of only one time of dhaanam as the best - Anna dhaanam (charity of food), there are many forms of sharing unto others, Vidhya Dhaanam (knowledge/studies in charity), vasthra dhaanam (how many cloths she has got for everyone OMG), I am not here to share the endless list of such donation names, i am sure your grand parents or great grandparents in this Rich country followed this Dharma. Just as the saying goes Dharmo Rakhathi Rakshathi - the truth is your duty and your duty shall set you free. Raksha means Saving, and yes it has saved her clan for sure. Its still saving me and my lineage too.

 

Blessed is my son, he was the 27th delivery she has been to, to help support. A fix situation, it was my delivery, my dad’s heart surgery due, my sisters wedding prep. Chaotic times. She had been there to take care of delivery and all the pathiyams (spl foods for new moms to enrich and bounce back). We had a fight once, she would constantly say, oh boy baby crying, nurse him. I got irritated, so a girl baby can cry? Debated of a few mins and she got upset and left. Mom dint know a thing about our debate and she got her back with a lot of sorry and I got an answer to that in this situation. Its applicable only for Infant Boys, when they cry with air flow higher movement the testicle balls will rise up to throat and will chock them to death. It’s only for Infant boys. That day on my mantra to her was, teach all you know before you depart. She never got angry ever for such a verbiage. Every time I met her I would say when are you going to share what our generation does not know before you depart. The word departs never bothered her while it bothered my mom.

 

In a time and space when girls where not even allowed to venture out, to give each of her daughters a skill even though economically - food clothing and shelter was a challenge with grandpas workspace mostly going into a strike mode in Standard Motors, I still remember how my uncle my mama was also part of that where he had to venture and search for job    s outside thanks to all those shut downs. Its not that today economic meltdowns aren’t there, such instances have been in the past too. I don't recollect complaining in the air like how people are complaining today. Then hand to mouth was a challenge, today we are blessed with each a cellphone in hand even if its not a necessity and only a peer pressure for kids at schools. I was told how there her brothers and families had been who helped, the gratitude aspect which would always come out.

All her girls also have a skill in hand that they need not depend on their partner in future for finances. Trust me, unknowingly though she suffered for finances she empowered them. They may not have a fancy degree but even today they learn and adapt, learn and grow to changing and challenging times. And all her daughters have been pillars in their own families to support financially too.

 

Hard times to see her girls, working women who also managed home, and kids and large families in their in-laws, never once to get back home to complain about it. That's an art to pass on to the next generation and to empower them. These girls never had the technological help or emotional support the way my generation has, no washing matching, no grinders, no diapers etc. We don't need a society to bring a change for women empowerment; it has to happen at our own space in our homes first. For that I am also grateful to my grandfather, such changes could not have been possible without an understanding partner.

 

She would always look for solutions. Once for nearly a mandala, the watchman was not here and no one in her home, all out to make money / study etc, I said ok I can stay with patti for sometime till the night duty watchman returns. Me who have always been blessed to be in spaces where public transport was also less than a km away, this one was a bit far off. In the outskirts of a place, there was one mini bus that would come at random and in a particular time and I missed it to make it to main road to catch my other main bus. While I was like Oops, she just came out to the gates, looked to her right and left, suddenly popped her hand out to a two-wheeler, he slowed and stopped his vehicle, lifted his helmet, what happened he asked. Someone she knew in her area (to know so many people my grandparents did so many things to that community never expecting anything in return, be in helping roads being laid by my grandad when hardly there was a pathway when they moved in there). She said, “you’re going via station-crossing right? He said yes and was a bit worried if she needed anything, she said this is my first granddaughter, drop her off at the main road. I was zapped, what putting me off with a man in his two-wheeler? Trust me, till then I thought she was orthodox outdated and so on, I learnt she was practical. From that day in the mornings was no tension, it was a breeze for me. Its not for me to judge anyone in life. Testing times reveal a lot about a person.

 

While she may sound highly manipulative is to get the information needed to support someone in some way, if she is unable to support, she would never give up, she would take them straight to the creator’s space. Her participation was active in her temple. She would not fear, daringly she would ask her guru, help them (it’s more like what are you here for, are you not here to bridge us with the divine, help them) more like an order. They are called Perivaa because they are in conscious levels ahead of us so elderly (Perivaa) but she would talk to them like a friend. What friend are you? A friend in need is a friend indeed kind of asking it would be. That even after her departure on her subham day, Perivaa himself meet all 6 of her kids at one go, I have never heard or seen anyone enquiring the departed in that space. Sakatapuram Perivaa enquired, gave her sons shawls looked at them and said ' Your mother is here with Ambal she has not gone anywhere, you are all welcome here to meet her anytime'. I was standing right behind all 6 of them. I dint have a tear in my eye, when she was counting her days waiting for the last even to be successful, nor cried on her depart nor cried till this moment of typing out, But when I am typing out and reliving that part when Perivaa said, oh she is here with the divine is where tears are actually rolling down my cheeks. How much she must have done unexpectedly unto others that this journey of being a grahastha (family person) moving into with divine consciousness. Its not easy to be almost that saint to be in grahastha mode.

A person who also always followed the social norms of formalities too. I would get irritated with her, first it used to be my dad, Mappilai epadi irukar, then after I got married its how is Krishna? When I asked she would be he is mappilais mappilai and everyone at home will have to rush to greet feed them.

 

Even in her last breath or the last of the 5 pranas leaving her body, she sustained to the benefit of her family so that all can enjoy the last wedding she would be witnessing in body consciousness. According to her duty unto family is the first Dharma and her dharma from Sudharma has ensured to give all of us the needed Raksha (safety net)

 

I am closing again with Navrathiri, these times were close to heart during my childhood at her place, my uncles would set up the steps and the deities, my aunts would dress us up as Krishna or Radha etc, daily a fancy dress. My grandma would instruct the locations and homes whom we need to invite for the Golu, with the kumkum and this fancy dress times we would go knock doors introduce ourselves and grandkids of Thulasi mami and then a smile will invite us take the kumkum we will be fed too in their homes... The Sarswathi puja and Dhasami days wow.. Thanks to the teachers, Hindi, Math, muruthangnmam and vocal music students will all come. Entire day from morning kids will flock in and out, entire day sundal distribution by her to the kids. They will come sit on the Jama kalam in front of the Saraswathi idol and golu, sing, play miruthangam do one math or hindi sentences bow down to the gurus (my aunts and uncle who are their teachers) the VIBRATION of the home is much higher on this day than any mutt or any temple or any medication center or any church or cathedral or entry of mosque or synagogue I have been to till date. I thought Golu will be like that everywhere. Harsh reality hit me later on in life.

 

Everyone knowing her would have tons to say I have tons to write and say but, here are some of my key takeaways I have to take into my life journey as life lessons from her. 

1. Your duty is for yourself and your family. Thats your first dharma that will set you free

2. Be open to changes and challenges by believing in the divine for you will be guided to the right path, right people, and right direction. 

3. Give unto others what you have in excess. 

4. Do unto others without expectations (nothing in return)

5. Why fear? life is always here to teach us and beat us to lead us.

6. Empower the other. It’s always better to teach fishing rather than buy them fish and donate it.

7. It’s the people who make brick and motor bring that vibrations.

 

 

She is still with me as I breath in and out daily, its hard to pen down all of those wonderful memories that I have, this is only a spec of it all. If you know your grandmother do share what you wish to share about her below in the comments. Thq.